If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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