While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
