You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize