Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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