i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
