I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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