How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
