what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
