I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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