Rock
Scissors
Fuck
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
