My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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