I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
