I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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