dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
