Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
