he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
