i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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