so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize