take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
