I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
