In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
