I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
