oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
