I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
