i need an iv and a liver transplant
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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