just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
