Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
