im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
