There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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