the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
