I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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