Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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