just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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