Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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