I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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