Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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