He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
