He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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