Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
