The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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