The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
