hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
