I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
