someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
