Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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