i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
