I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
only you would photoshop your dick
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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