remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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