i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
