Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
