yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
