I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
