My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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