you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
