i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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