No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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